Who started it isn’t the point and is irrelevant.
It doesn’t matter if you broke up with him or she broke up with you. Whatever happened, all you know is you want to learn how to win your ex back.
Even the circumstances are irrelevant – cheating, lying, growing apart – none of it matters any more. The break up was a mistake. And you want to piece it back together again.
This is the goal – and you CANNOT forget it:
You must remind your ex that you are a positive force in their life; you are the one that truly understands them; you will always be there to support them.
Is it going to be easy? Honestly? It never is. That being said, nothing in life that’s worth having is easy, is it?
These seven strategies will jumpstart putting your relationship back together and win your ex back. You can rekindle that lost flame of friendship and once again become an irresistible force in your ex’s life.
1: Practice Mental Martial Arts
The first instinct in a break up ‘em from behind… hug them and beg for their love and acceptance.
This is a BIG mistake!
Fight these natural feelings of desperation. Stay detached and distant. Do not call your ex. Do not text your ex. Do not contact with them whatsoever for any reason for at least two weeks.
Also: Do not contact ANYONE who is associated with them just to ask about them because it WILL get back to your ex… guaranteed.
What’s the point of this ‘how to win your ex back’ strategy? To make him or her miss you like crazy. And it doesn’t matter if you broke up with them or if they broke up with you. Public displays of desperation will not make them feel sorry for you. And even it did work; do you really want to get the relationship started again based on pity?
Simply agree with the break up, or ask for some time alone, and walk away. You can show your true feelings when you’re at home by yourself.
Side Note: If you’ve already displayed some distasteful break up behaviors, such as pitifully texting your ex’s best friends to find out if there’s another guy or girl, or visiting their parents’ house seeking sympathy and support… all is not lost. Continue reading on how to get back on the right track.
2: Be positive
Easier said than done, right? The goal of being positive is to appeal to your ex and win your ex back again. Be the person he or she fell in love with. Be a valuable source of positive energy that they need in their life. Believe it: exes do not want to get back together with a groveling, sniveling, needy victim.
Think of who YOU would rather date: Someone who is upbeat and confident? Or… someone who pitifully sulks around, hiding in their bedroom.
Get out there! Socialize; party; live life with enthusiasm. Clean yourself up, buy a new outfit, get a gym membership or a day at the spa to kick start your new bachelor or bachelorette life.
3: Write a short, handwritten letter to your ex
This is where you can make up for acting like a needy nerd at the beginning of the break up.
And the letter has to be handwritten.
Here’s why:
Anyone can send a text message. The more creative ones may send an email. But few will send a handwritten letter. It is far more personal (almost chivalrous) than a text and an email. And chances are neither you nor your ex is ready for that phone call… although chances are they’re waiting by their phone, watching for your number to show up… so they can ignore you!
There is just something about seeing handwriting in a letter that can bring back a flood of memories and emotions. And that’s what you want, right? Your goal in all of this is to win your ex back.
Side Note: Do NOT make the cheesy mistake of spraying it with your cologne or sealing it with a lipsticked kiss!
So in learning how to win your ex back, you may have come off acting a little unhinged and crazy at the breakup. In the letter is when you can admit it and apologize for your actions. Then get to the real point of the letter: Confirm that you agree with the break up.
Keep it very simple, such as ‘I’m glad you brought this up… I’ve been thinking the same thing for a long time. Take care.’
Don’t write a detailed blueprint of what happened and why. Just write something simple and non-accusing. A letter like this allows you to get on ‘their side’ of the issue. And more importantly, you let them go before they can come back.
Why is this important?
Because it’s a basic of human nature; People always want what they can’t have! This hand written letter is your subtle declaration that they no longer have you… and it WILL drive them nuts.
4: Facebook It…
… or MySpace… or tweet. Broadcast how much fun your life is. Even if you deleted your ex already, chances are you both have mutual friends online, so the ex can still see the messages you post to your friends and the pictures from your fun nights out.
If you didn’t delete your ex while in a rage, even better. He or she will be able to see your status updates. But NEVER use your social networks to vent about your ex or bad mouth them.
If you’ve played your cards right (or even if you haven’t) one of the three following possibilities will happen as you learn how to win your ex back:
5. Excommunicado
This is the most desirable first type of communication: Your ex asks YOU out because you haven’t tried to talk to him or her.
Remember, you did send them a handwritten letter. So now they’re wondering why you haven’t contacted them again. They’ve probably kept that letter, too. And I guarantee they’ve read it over and over again.
Plus they can see almost every day just how you’ve moved on with your life.
So when they call you – as tempting as it is spill out your feelings – bite your tongue and decline the offer.
Yep… that’s right, say ‘no thank you.’
You may have to actually practice this couple of times at home by yourself.
But be sure to take a rain check! This will only confirm that you have a busy, exciting life. You’re just not sure where they fit into your life right now. You’ll get back to them. After two or three days, give them a call. They’ll be relieved that you remembered to call them.
Suppose your ex hasn’t approached you yet to talk or hang out.
No problem. Now is the time to become proactive. Get a group of mutual friends together and ask him or her to join you with them casually.
If your ex accepts, great. If not, don’t stop trying! Coolly accept the decline; and try asking again in a couple weeks or so. If you’ve tried the above and you are still getting no response, you may have to take somewhat drastic measures here.
A tried and true method is always jealousy. It’s the ultimate way to win your ex back.
Just never ask his or her best friend out (this will only cause resentment); but you can try dating a mutual friend.
The reason this is so effective is because it reinforces that you are something they can’t have any more. It also elevates you to ‘trophy’ status. And who doesn’t want to be with a winner?
6. Silence is Golden
No, I’m not suggesting that you remain silent during your date. What I’m talking about here is body language – non-verbal signals we give one another every day. In fact, nearly 80% of all communication is done through our body language.
What you want to do during the date is to imitate or mirror your ex’s body language. Also mirror his or her speech, too. Use the same phrases and terminology.
This is actually a common tactic hypnotist’s use during what is called conversational hypnosis. This will show you are listening to your ex and that you’re in sync or in tune with one another.
Side Note: Here are some other pointers in regards to body language during that first meeting as you win your ex back:
- Retain eye contact and try to keep your eyes ‘smiling’ at your ex. Your ex will be able to tell if your eyes are getting that ‘unfocused’ look and will shut down if he or she suspects you aren’t paying attention.
- Lean forward towards your ex during conversation. This demonstrates you’re interested and listening.
- Keep your shoulders relaxed and your back straight. This projects a calm and confident presence.
- Never cross your arms. This position is classically interpreted as a combative or defensive stance
- Do not tilt your head repeatedly. I’m not suggesting you stay as rigid as a statue. But keeping it tilted is often a sign of boredom – your ex will pick up on that immediately.
7. How to ‘Talk the Talk’
This is perhaps the most important strategy. Try to anticipate any questions or remarks he or she may make. You know your ex well. You know the buttons he or she may try to push with you. Remember, you’re not here to fight; you’re here to re-establish a lost relationship.
This is not the time to break down and rant on about how much you miss them. Neither is it the time to bring up all of your mistakes in the past, and vice versa.
As a matter of fact, don’t even bring up the past.
If your ex wants to discuss the past, fine. Just remember to remain open, warm and agreeable. If you disagree with anything that he or she says, change the topic rather than argue.
You may want to say something along the lines of, ‘you know… the past is the past and I want to move forward’. Change the topic to one that your ex and you can have a functional and easy conversation with.
The Bottom Line
There you have it. Just remember that everyone wants that special person in their life to enrich it… not drain it. Keep up the optimism (and maybe the gym membership too).
Follow these seven steps on how to win your ex back and you’ll be able to move forward happily together as a couple. Who knows… perhaps your journey together will end at the marriage alter.
Good luck!
